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I ass wondered what alien life-form had taken possession of the same ass woman who had locked the storm door on me ass in the dead of winter in order to grab a little down time. She was also home when my daughter fell off her bicycle. The kid stood in the middle of the parking lot screaming about a leg that had fallen off her body. I walked to the door, looked down at the microscopic scrape, and yelled back, "Get in the house, Sarah Bernhardt, and let's get a Band-Aid on that gash before you lose another pint." My mother saw danger lurking for my children behind every corner and was convinced that I had been born without a soul. She began leaving volumes of Dr. Spock on the kitchen counter. At the age of eight, my son announced his interest in having sex. I looked up from my salad and nonchalantly suggested that he might want to wait on that for another, say, ten or 15 years.
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